Regrets?

Probably the most brilliant mom I know in grad school posted this on fb today: "Dear Son: I'm sorry that my choice of "careers" consumed your mother. Dear Academe: I'm sorry that my responsibilities as a mother interfered with your plans for me. Dear Self: I don't really remember you at all."

GOOD.NESS. That hits close to home. Seriously, one day I'm ready to cry because I don't have the time to be the mom I want to be, the next I'm ready to cry because I will never realize my full potential as an academic because I chose to become a mom. And others I'm ready to cry because I seriously don't remember who I am or how I got here.

This is not to say that I don't love my life. I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE. But sometimes I'm frustrated that I can't have it all. I'm close. So close.

I remember my first year of grad school a prof I idolized was talking about what a disappointment she was to her mother because all she had given her was book manuscripts and not grandchildren. This prof is a name in her field and admired by many. I always shook my head because I thought she could have had children and still made it to where she is today.

I was so wrong. If you want to be a serious name in your field and you have a vagina, you can't have kids.

If you want kids and have a vagina you might as well give up your hopes of becoming a serious name in your field.

One time when I was privately meeting with that prof she told me she looked up how many times she was cited in databases so she could feel important. She felt unfulfilled and defeated. Even with her "name". I don't know if having kids would have made her fulfilled.

But I'm thanking my lucky stars that on days that I feel defeated I will have Cameron looking at me with his mischievous little grin and his eyes filled with love.

And I won't have to go looking up how many people deemed my words intelligent enough to repeat in order to feel important.